oh Leana.

people always ask how do you start, how do you begin. but we began way long ago. 2019. i spotted you, or maybe we spotted each other. skip that part. you already know that part.

the part that matters is this. i was making mistakes left and right, up and down, every direction a person can go wrong in. and you still took me in. you nitpicked my brain, questioned why i did certain things, and till today we are still nitpicking. still figuring out why i did what i did. and i keep coming back to you, the person who always and will forever, maybe, take me in.

you asked once if i ever had sentences i could form for you. the way i do for other people. and yes, i do. i have them. but this is different. this is special. and it doesn't always have to be about the big things you've done for me. sometimes it's just about the simple fact of how nice of a human being you are.

you work very hard. you are intelligent. you are clumsy. but most importantly, you are into me. a lot.

i write today because we fly again. five countries together. and i get very scared of flying. my brain goes to that place where i think about crashing, dying in another country, leaving you somewhere mid-story. but that's for another time.

i write now because i never know when i'll write about you again. i know i will. i just don't know when.

Leana, i rethought you. again and again and again. through every circumstance, every version of what life could look like past the age of us being together. i kept coming back.

i thought about your father once. how he reminds me of mine. quiet, not a smoker, incredibly skilled at what he does. and i thought, if i ever lost my dad, i would want to sit with your father. ask him things. learn from him. and i would want your family to take me back in, treat me like i belong there. because i love the picture of family. not just for the photographs. i love it during the hard times too, even when there are cracks. especially then.

i know you have a hard time sometimes understanding how two people work in the same space. but i think you know what it feels like when it's right.

you love to spend. you make your own money and i am proud of you for that, genuinely. but i don't like the feeling of piggybacking. it's the picture i have in my head, the one i keep returning to. i want to build something. i want to have everything again, with you, something we made together. two people with real chemistry can do so much. we've seen it. in the small things, in teamwork, even in Roblox, even in life. it's been going well.

sure, there are times you don't take my advice. that can sting. but i love the stories we pour out together. i don't even need you to question mine. i just need you there, present, while i tell them. and when you are, i feel this completeness. this full feeling of being a person, a human. i try to get curious about your world. i ask questions even when i already know the answer. because being with you feels like comfort.

you said it yourself. peace is the new boring. that it's okay to repeat things with the same person every single day. that is peace. i didn't believe it at first, clumsy like that. but then i read somewhere that ordinary is where life is actually built. that boring is a kind of cool most people never recognize. that life can be plain for a long time and become beautiful right at the end. i never used to believe that. i think like a kid who needs the chaos, the nonstop, the going and going and going.

but i am learning, Leana. i am learning to be boring. to do my own things, alone or with you. and i'm finding out that all those plain things are actually the highest highs i've ever had.

that book, the one about the girl who handed a gun to someone and hoped they would never pull the trigger. it hit me so hard i thought of you immediately. that is the story i have to live up for.

in 2026 i plan to do all the boring busy things. alone, with you, sometimes with friends. and i am enjoying every single one.

i am relearning how to be the Joshua in your life. the original one. the one you first leaned on. the one who loves loving you. the one who is happy with you. the one who wants to grow old with you. the one who wants to be the greater engine beside you.

you are still my wonderful lady.

i plan to take my whole life with you. and further.

thank you Leana for staying through my roughest times. thank you for being the kindest human, even when that kindness didn't always come back to you. please keep that person in you. forever. all the way to the stars and back.

you are loved. still. always.

and i know we've been here before. i know a year has passed and i know i don't have the right to assume anything. i'm not assuming. i just know what i feel and i know what we are when we're together and i know that feeling doesn't come around twice for most people.

can we be together again?

xoxo

Library

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My Father